This quote slammed into me about a year ago. I mean that. It did not creep up or gently ooze its way into my life. It slammed into me. Why? Because I was making so many people and situations priorities in my life because of blatant insecurity within me, when, in fact, they were only options. I was trying to be in the mix again and it simply does not work for me.
I was giving my all into situations and circumstances, often leaving feeling underappreciated and compromised. That was my fault, not God’s fault. I made my own way despite the consistent checks in the spirit to hold back and wait. After forging ahead despite these checks, I then felt as if God was setting me up to take the hits all the time through rejection after rejection. He wasn’t at all. I just did not actually believe He knew the way I should be taking in life. My actions showed that I knew best in all things.
I wanted to forge the path by ‘putting myself out there’ and networking my way so that people would take notice and somehow we would connect to advance our ministry. Let me truthfully say that it did not work and it is not working. I am still sitting and waiting for that big breakthrough but it has not arrived yet. But, despite that, I am suddenly starting to see the fog clear and finally I am seeing the lesson in all of this. God’s hand keeps restraining me for a greater purpose. I don’t understand it and it has been very hard but that is what I see. Let me briefly explain.
Going into places in ministry, I walk in a spirit of excellence. I give my all in Christ, often without getting much back. We pay our way most of the time and stay in situations that can be quite stressful. I realized that my desire for ministry or to do the work often took precedence over the leading of the Spirit. I would rather forge ahead than to relegate myself to sitting on the shelf, doing nothing, feeling like nothing, and accomplishing nothing. So I continued to go where we were simply tolerated and not celebrated. Looking at it now, I did not trust God at all. An even harder thing to say is that I devalued myself and Christ in me to the point where I had to have a ministry fix to feel affirmed with any sense of identity. That is pretty bad. Thank God for His grace that transformed me and is transforming me day by day.
I will continue this point in the next blog because truth sets me free. I believe I did it all because I thought that no one would consider me a priority. If I look at the natural realm, they don’t. Our ministry is still in standstill and we are still wondering where all this is going, challenging my faith in every way. Yet, in the spiritual sense, I am finding my freedom each day in Christ and my eyes are wide open to truth. The props are falling down around me that held me up. I realize that to stop all networking and any promotions is the best way for me because I won’t lose myself in the process. It is better to be found than to be seeking after something just to be known. Let the Spirit lead the way for me!