This is a journey. The dream in the previous blog will help you understand what I am writing here in this blog. When God decides to get my attention, He gives me a dream. Why? Is it because that is the way He usually talks to me? No, I rarely dream, so when I do dream, they are detailed and accurate. I pay attention to my dreams.
My dreams answer questions, those questions that are moving like a deep current under the surface of my life. Those questions that I can’t even articulate but I know that they are stirring within me and need to be answered. At those times, I am looking at God. He is looking at me. I have no words but He hears the cry of my heart. The yearning that says “Jesus I don’t understand.” The silence that says, “I don’t know what to do. What do I do?” The tears that say, “You are there, aren’t You?”
Back to the dream – I stand and look back into the house. There they are; all the people who hurried back in, sitting with their groups. Here I am, standing on the outside. I turn and look in the other direction for that is what God is clearly saying to me. The path is not exactly clear but He knows the way. I seem to know that to get through this narrow door (Read this blog please) I will have to lighten my load, getting rid of excessive weight that holds me down and ties me to the past. I wholeheartedly agree it is time. Now is the time.
What weighs me down? Past hurts, wounds losses, rejections, insecurities, and fears. Does that cover it? Yes, I think it does. This time it is real and it is essential for the journey ahead. There is no way to get around it. As a Christian, it is time to stop playing games and get real, at least for me. That means a journey of honesty and confrontation. Enjoy this journey of honesty with me. I can lay it all down so that I am freer and freer and you can walk this out too.
Walking one step away from the house, I hear the Spirit of the Lord say this to me, “You, Debra, are a a woman with a strong sense of justice.” These words shot through my heart awakening me to their truth. Just a few words in one sentence confronted a big reality in my life and how I perceive things. This strong sense of justice wanted to run back into that house and begin to rail at all those people with their pride, their arrogance, the presumed condescension, and their obvious rejection of me. I wanted vindication and a sense that a wrong could be made right and they would see that I was somebody. But, that strong sense of justice was one thing that had to go to lighten my load in this journey.
You see, this strong sense of justice to make people see that they have hurt me was unintentionally binding me to the past and this deep need for closure. Unfortunately, life does not always bring closure. Our need to be righted when wronged or our feeling of entitlement for wrongs done to us does not always come but there is a better way. Justice for all the wrongs done to us is settled on the cross. It is finished. I see that all that I have held onto in my life has been seen by Jesus – my hurts, my sorrows, my pain. He has healed them in His life, for me. He died so that I have life in Christ. If I do not see that the life I live, I live in Christ, then I will continue to seek vindication for wrongs done to my life. This sense of justice formed my life and kept me looking to the past. Now I see, I will lay some things down and pick them up no more. It is finished.
Leaders whose words of condescension cut me like a knife. I stand and say, “It is finished. I forgive.” Many who looked past me or around me, believing that I just did not have the ‘goods’, while I was willing in my heart to give all I could to bring them to the glorious reality of Christ Jesus, I stand and say, “It is finished. I forgive.” There are so many more situations and people who I can talk about today but I believe I get it right now and I hope you do too. To walk away into a broad place, a new vista in Christ, I lighten my load of what I have carried for so long. The case that I have raised against them has been closed this day and I do not seek vindication of retribution of any kind from any man. It is a great feeling within me. Honesty is wonderful and when you have nothing to prove, you have nothing to lose.
This is a spiritual journey for me, written not in analytical form, but in a creative supernatural way. Through dreams, visions, and revelation from the Word in the Spirit, I write this blog for this is my life. I see that now. See this in the Spirit and hear by the Spirit what I am saying here. This is the beginning of a new path in Christ, one that I have waited for these past years. Religion died in me so that intimacy in Christ and relationship with Him lives in me. Enjoy this journey with me. Walking away from the house seems a bit easier now after this blog.
What about you? I know it may be hard to share in-depth things right here, right now but I would like to hear from you. Thank you for any encouragement you may give to me, but I would also like to hear your heart.