I lead – always trying to line things up, gather things together, and move things forward. When there is a stall in things, kind of like a glitch on a conveyor belt, I then look to see what the problem is at that time. Why are things not moving forward? What is keeping them back?
Well, it’s 5 am and I can’t sleep. This is my God time when He wants to get my attention. Dreams seem to be one way as I have talked about in a previous blog. Another way is the silence of the early morning when I can evaluate things in light of truth and reality. Daytime can somehow color things to make them look the way I want them to look. But, the early morning hours are raw, truthful and just plain reality to me. I see better in the still of the morning hours.
So I woke up, thinking that things are slipping out of my grasp. I can’t order anything anymore or lead anything. It seems that I have less than what I started with. (Again you really need to hear this by the Spirit) I am holding less than I thought I would at this time in my life. I am looking at empty hands and wondering what I am going to do right now. I can see it as something to fear, which I don’t. Or, I can see it as a new adventure, which I do.
It seems to me that people and situations around me are forging their own path, when in reality I believed I would be forging it with them but that is not the case. So this alone thing is something that is necessary to get me to the next point. When I say letting go, I am not talking about cutting ties with friends or family, or relationships in the natural. I am talking about finding this path outside of how I believed it would look for me and for Marvin. Right now, this path into this new place is a bit introspective and self-centered because this morning I realized that I can’t pull people onto it anymore. They are going their way and I have to go my way and when our paths line up, it will be God and not some good idea.
When I realized that Christianity has not panned out the way I thought it would, I also realize it is God’s way of telling me to align with His thoughts, His heart, and His way. It is better than I thought. The transition within me is relinquishing all the ‘stuff’ that man tried to feed me through religion, denomination, charismatic prophetic stuff and so on and to walk in the newness of the revelation of Jesus Christ flowing right now. So that is the way it is. Things are dissipating (definition: disperse, scatter, dissolve, vanish) right before my eyes but I am believing they are going to form into something greater for my hope and trust is in God.
How does this work out in the natural? Well, that’s a biggie for us right now. Transition is the name of the game in our lives. Where to move? Jobs to start for Marvin? People that we walked with have lined up their lives in their God-given path and it truly is a good thing but it appears to me that there is a finality in it all. The finality that they have to lead their lives right now and I have to lead mine and let’s see where God takes this in the future. So our lease is up in 4 weeks and we have to decide where we are off to at this time in our life. God has prepared Marvin and I for such a time as this so let’s see where He leads us. This is my journey. Never did I think that it would come to this.
Here is what I thought, just so you get a better grasp on this. I thought we would have a home in the States, an apartment in Finland, travel into Africa and Europe to minister God’s grace. Prophecy after prophecy has come forth indicating this for years. I thought that I would be preaching and speaking, which is the desire of my heart. I am not. I believed that our lives would be full. They are not full with activity yet in some ways I feel very full with expectation that God is moving in a different way, a fresh way. I let it all go, today. God will resurrect what He wants to bring back to life. So I take all these years of experience, rich years of experience, and I now evaluate my life in light of where God wants Marvin and I. Enjoy this journey.
Would love to hear your comments about your own life. What are you holding in your hands right now? What direction are you going? Is it the way you thought or a different way? Well????