Trying to force myself to be seen at the same time that God’s hand was holding me back me for a season is not wise. A growing inner tension within my being left me increasingly tired. But, it’s not me to quit without a fight. God was happy to oblige but the funny thing is that I was the only one fighting. Kind of like boxing into mid-air, wearing myself out along the way, while all the time God waited for me to give in and just rest in being hidden in plain sight.
Amidst the whining, the complaining and the fear, God could have given me what I wanted just to shut me up and to teach me some lessons, like a good Father does. Thank goodness, He just waited patiently as His child (me) wanted her own way in her own time. My continual cry:
“Oh God, release me, pleeeease! I can’t take it any more! I hurt. My heart hurts. What do you want from me?”
Lesson learned in hindsight: My sense of timing is never God’s sense of timing. In this season, I learned to walk in a daily learning curve where day by day, I simply rested in the perfection of His plan for me, His way.
One more thing.
These times of internal preparation while being hidden are also times of provocation by the enemy who loved to harass me. (God on one hand placing me in obscurity and the enemy on the other, continually harassing me.) He loved to tell me that my life was being wasted and forgotten. He maligned the character of God and then had the audacity to wait for me to agree with him.
God can’t be trusted.
God has left you in this place to rot.
You can’t cut it and have been disqualified.
It’s the same old garden trick: “Has God indeed said?” (Adam, Eve, the snake – Genesis. Read it. It’s good.)
Flustered, totally frustrated, whining, crying, shouting, I was worn out, and sick of myself. What now? How could I believe that God, who I thought I knew, would place me in this painful season? Is this love? My accusations hit a crescendo. I leveled all kinds of charges at God for a while. And, when I was not accusing Him, I walked in a void, unable to see His hand in all of this hiddenness. I truly believed that somehow, in some way, God failed me.
Being hidden in plain sight was indeed a time of provocation but it was also a time of preparation. My hiddenness had a purpose but I failed to see it from heaven’s perspective. How could I when I was accusing God of not knowing what was best for me? The revelation began to unfold and then here comes this blog topic, which I continue to explore. God’s ways are not our ways; they are so much better but not always easily understood, at least not for me and definitely not in a place of being hidden in plain sight.
I repented (complete change of mind, change of heart to see and to know). I fell for the enemy’s line: “Has God indeed said?” (The ultimate accusation spoken by the snake in the Garden. It still works today for many of us.)
What went wrong? Thinking God’s ways were my ways. Not truly understanding Him, knowing Him. My being hidden in plain sight had a purpose, yet I failed to actually see it through an eternal perspective.
At that place of total submission in the midst of not truly understanding, God says, “Are you done yet?”
And I say, “I’m done.” I look at Him, sheepishly and somewhat askew. “Am I still hidden?”
And He says, “Yes.”
And I say, “Okay. But…….”
He interrupts my need to know and says, “I love you. You may not understand this now, but it’s good for you. Trust me.”