To Be Or Not To Be – Why Do I Sometimes Feel Like A Fraud?

When I encounter a moment in time where everything in me is in sync with that moment, I face a choice – enter the moment by jumping wholeheartedly into it OR retreat, stepping back into fear. I could be reading a book, watching a movie, or talking to a friend when I feel that I what I am doing at that moment is linked with my very destiny inside. Everything seems to resonate within me that I am encountering life, true abundant life.

While reading The Artisan Soul, I reached a point where I felt the words leap off the page. It was as if these were my words, my passion to be creative and to encourage those who are. I saw possibility, destiny, and adventure to be me, as God created me to be. Yet, what I did not tell you was what also happened at that moment inside of me before I jumped in to the belief that I am creative, that I will mentor creatives, and that I will move forward in this promise. Let me back track a bit.

creative-sparkThe words leapt off the page and into my being, confirming all that God placed in my heart. It all happened in a moment and I felt as if I would soar in that reality. I knew it was right, something I dearly believed in and wanted with all of my heart. BUT, at that same moment, something else also rose up. Accusations that I was a fraud, a fake, a hypocrite and I would be found out, exposed for all to see. What is that?

I faced two realities, or at least I thought they were both true. One said to jump into the belief that I can be and do all that is in my heart. One said to retreat back a bit because believing that would only reveal the fact that I was a fraud, not all that, somehow lacking. Have you noticed how often that can happen to you? Right at the moment of inner breakthrough, we are often confronted by our own feelings of being an impostor?

I sat in my office, at my desk, realizing I had been at this place before. What did I do? I was so frustrated. I didn’t want to be at this place anymore. I closed the book and did the only thing I knew to do. I worshipped God, pouring out my heart to Him for a long time. I was searching, scanning my internal life, wanting answers that would hit this problem right at its core.

The inability to believe in my own creativity was right there in that moment. I absolutely hated the feeling that rose inside of me. It was as if I was sabotaging my very existence. I knew that if I continued to own a false narrative, I would never move ahead. At the same time, I did not want to just verbally spew out shallow words that meant nothing. God was going deep and I was the one leading the charge.

Why do I not believe whom you, Lord, say that I am?

Why do I feel like a fraud inside, unable to truly measure up?

Why is my greatest fear the fact that people will actually find out that I am not really who I believe or say that I am?

This is crazy but oh, so very very real.

Who do I think I am?

What am I doing?

to_be_or_not_to_be_by_sharp_negative-d3f1qr5This went on for the good part of an hour. Then I had to make a decision. Against all odds, I had to jump because there was no other option for me. Risk it all. Be brave. Be courageous. Be me. Reading The Artisan Soul, I jumped into believing who I am in Christ. I realized that for years, for so many years, the words out of my mouth were real and true but deep inside, I could not grasp or hold onto the revelation that He who called me is faithful and He would take my life, despite what anyone thought or said and form me into His image, His flow of creativity through my being. He does choose the foolish things of the world.

Isn’t it obvious that God deliberately chose men and women that the culture overlooks and exploits and abuses, 28 chose these “nobodies” to expose the hollow pretensions of the “somebodies”? 29 That makes it quite clear that none of you can get by with blowing your own horn before God. 30 Everything that we have––right thinking and right living, a clean slate and a fresh start––comes from God by way of Jesus Christ. 31 That’s why we have the saying, “If you’re going to blow a horn, blow a trumpet for God (1 Corinthians 1:27-31 Message)

Why do so many of us believe ourselves to be a fraud? Many are constantly trying to cover up an inner deficit, externally seeming to have it all together while internally living in defeat. It holds us back. It’s too much work. I don’t have a handle on it all but I do know one thing. There are constant accusations coming our way as creative people wanting us to believe we are actually frauds, waiting to be exposed as an impostor. Why is that?

Yes there are fears of failure, traumatic childhoods, and more but it’s deeper than all that. These fears attack our very essence and being, who we are created in Christ. These insidious attacks keep coming and coming and coming. Again, I want to say that people handle it by just avoiding looking deep inside to see what the root of the matter really is. I always believe there is more to life than meets the eye and to solve things, we have to get at the heart of where this is all really coming from.

Well, didn’t I tell you that I would not come to conclusions at the end of a blog post? I meant it. I will think about this and pray about it today. I may be breaking all the blog rules by doing this but I decided that this year, 2015, these blog posts would concentrate on JOURNEY, ADVENTURE, and PROCESS. Will write more very soon.

DebraIn Christ,
Debra

I would love to speak at your conference, gathering, church or home group. Contact me here, on Facebook or on Twitter. Enjoy reading about Rivers of Eden and the Timeline of our Life!

4 thoughts on “To Be Or Not To Be – Why Do I Sometimes Feel Like A Fraud?

  1. This is such lovely, raw honesty. Thank you for putting it out there without pretense. I have been surrendering to God all week–my anxiety around work and money, my hopes for my creative pursuits. I have faith but sometimes the silence is deafening. Hard to accept when the timing is not on our terms and we can’t see 500 ft. ahead . . .

    • Thanks so much for your comment. It is always good to know that someone is reading and somehow this touches them in even the smallest way. I have to continually surrender to trust God each day. My dreams always face an absence of finances to accomplish them so I have to rely on the truth that He will make what seems impossible to be possible. And you are so right, for several years now, the main characteristic of my walk in Christ has been the silence….so deafening that it weakened my faith at times. So much to say about it. We are all right there with you.

  2. In a society where we are taught that second place is as much of a loss as last place, many are afraid to believe in themselves. If one is not first then they are a looser. This is what many times keeps us from being the creative individual that God has created us to be. We need to learn to drop the “not to be” in the quote “to be or not to be” and just BE!

    The last statement in Meri’s response above is good. Forgive me but I would like to change a few words in to say……

    May we all be strengthened with wisdom and understanding in Him with you as you continue your journey!

    God is truly speaking through you at these times. May those reading what you are writing not only read them but see what God is saying to them in their lives through them.

  3. Thanks for being so transparent Debra!!

    Your comment:
    Again, I want to say that people handle it by just avoiding looking deep inside to see what the root of the matter really is. I always believe there is more to life than meets the eye and to solve things, we have to get at the heart of where this is all really coming from.

    brings me back to something that started working in me a couple years ago after reading The Rhema Code by Scott Schang …and that is about WHO I AM….and through it the Lord, THE IAM, began to work in me the reality of who He is as IAM. It is a process and I face many of the same fears that you speak of when I go to write, I go to paint, I go to the grocery store…when, perhaps I wake up in the morning. One of the things working in me still is to learn to walk out who He is in me……and since He is the creator of the universe, to separate creativity from Himself, is a form of idolatry which most of us have experienced and which very successful people easily have to address. It is more than about the words we speak, as you suggest, but that very root issue of our being which brings us to ask, Who am I…….and Who is IAM? For “as He is, so am I in this world.”

    Little by little I am learning creativity is a product of relationship, not something that I can identify. When I started painting a couple years ago, I learned something about creativity…it most often happened when I wasn’t aware of it!!! And even now it tends to be more noticed by others than by me and from my external way of looking at things that were “created”…LOL!

    May you be strengthened with wisdom and understanding in Him as you continue your journey!

    Meri

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