Called Forth – Out of the Tomb – Shame and Finland – My Testimony

As roots are ripped up in our lives, the lies that attach to these roots are shaken off, losing their power. Nothing is left to sustain the lies. The root is up and out. So, glorious freedom in grace flows in.

Here goes. I have hesitated writing this because of shame but Holy Spirit drew me upstairs, wooed me to write because it is time to come out of the tomb.

I truly do feel that my time in Finland was, for me, like living in a tomb – encased in the mundane and shadows. This is not meant to offend anyone. It is what I experienced. My life.

I let it happen – I would not let freedom truly arise in me. Over time, I locked myself in a prison, shackled to shadows of what I believed others thought of me or I perceived others thought of me. In any case, the clouds and the darkness descended on my life and have not moved in this season…….until today.

I feel that I was initially sent into Finland to give what was in me – freedom, creativity, and identity in Christ. I was called to walk in Holy Spirit to set people free to be whom God created them to be. Yet, I allowed discouragement, disillusionment, and anger to encase me in a tomb the longer I stayed in Finland.

So today, I forgive Finland. Can I forgive a nation? Yes. Now, this is not written towards those whom I knew closely. This is not about them. It is about others who judged me without knowing me. Rather than come alongside, they stayed their distance and perhaps my anger and their inner silence would not allow them to come closer. There is no blame. There is no shame in this. In any case, I forgive all who hurt me – devastatingly hurt me. God’s grace is for all of us – we need it! All of us.

I have avoided saying this because I wanted to be clear. Finland brought me into its own shame – a feeling somehow I was wrong – not my actions, but ME. I was wrong. It beat me down and left me for dead but very few knew it. I am speaking it forth today just for me. As Lazarus in the tomb, God is calling me forth, out of it all.

I have always had the opportunity to come ‘out’ but I could not because shame rooted a lie in me that I was wrong – my substance, how God created me. That is a lie for all of us. I may have done many things wrong in lashing out in inappropriate ways due to my pain, but Debra is good, perfectly and wonderfully, beautifully made. In all this pain, aside from certain people, no one seemed to care, notice or even call. I forgive you Finland.

The Holy Spirit called me, wooed me upstairs to write this simply because Holy Spirit knew that I needed to put it out there whether anyone understood or not. My qualifying statement is this – I do love Finland, with God’s love.

I have hesitated writing this until today. I know it will set others free who have undergone what I have gone through – not being accepted in nations into which God has called you to go and undergoing silent pain, while standing firm in God because He is faithful to work out in you what He has planned for your life. God is all together glorious and wonderful!

What did shame do? It spoke to me subtly but persistently, “You are not good enough.” I heard it so long while I was there that I believed it. Inevitably, I, myself, then started asking people and situations this question, “Can I be me?’ I did not openly ask this but it was a question that circulated inside of me as I encountered many situations and people. I outsourced my life to external situations rather than trusting God. What was I thinking? It is all good – so very very good. God turns it all around and we are better for it. So selah……….I am now giving myself permission to BE whom God has designed me to BE, in His love, grace, mercy but in radical truth. I will continue to challenge people, risk relationships, step out in faith and be accepted and rejected, be misunderstood and more but I will never outsource needed affirmation to anyone but Jesus Christ. If I get it from others, great. If not, great. It is all good. Christ in me, the hope of glory.

In Christ
Debra

 

 

 

Creative Expression – Formed By Shame, Freedom In Christ

To walk in prophetic momentum in clarity of sound and a purity of heart, I need to be free from words of shame that formed my life. To speak words of truth, the source of life in me should be free from anything that is damming up the river from flowing outward. My identity in Christ is trying to flow forth from my inner substance, yet it is often blocked by my own sense of inner shame.

Shame imprisoned me behind a wall of insecurity and doubt, believing that somehow or someway, I was just not right. Guilt motivated my actions, proceeding from shame, trying to either people please OR just being downright angry with people for my perceived miserable life. Being up and down, like riding a roller coaster, my life was hardly one of resting in Christ. I sense that the prophetic in me flowed with clarity and function up till this time BUT to go further in this realm, death occurs in me so that resurrection life flows from me. That is a good thing that should not be avoided. Life is a journey. We advance going from faith to faith, glory to glory.

In times past, I often felt one of two ways. First, I would step out as bold as a lion in prophetic declarations and then second guess myself and wallow in fear and insecurity. Or, I would step out for the Lord, saying what I feel needed to be said, and because I was rejected or ignored, I would get angry. Both are only the overflow of inner wounding that desperately needed to be healed. The problem was in me and needed healing. God is determined to take prophetic people higher, if I can say it like that. To do that, He must aim for getting the cracks out of a faulty foundation of belief. With me, it was so simple. God was getting to that part in me that said I was wrong, not my actions but me. I was wrong, made wrong, formed wrong, just plain wrong. That is shame in its perfection.

When, as a woman, I tried to step out, knowing I heard from the Lord, shame often slammed me down, helping me to feel unworthy, unnoticed, or ignored. Often people’s words of condescension ripped apart my foundation, making me feel less than and far beneath them.

On the other side again, I have ‘pushed and ‘proved’ quite often in my life, despite these feelings inside, trying to qualify and justify just being me or speaking what I believe is from the Lord. Shame can keep you silenced or angry if you allow it to permeate your life, which I did at times.

Shame is the attack on your substance, who you are. No one can touch that place. That place is the inner sanctum where your spirit is alive in Christ. But, if you don’t see that place as the ultimate place of identity, you can be motivated by shame that either silences you or angers you. Am I laying this down understandably?

Shame entered my life through hard-hitting words, causing pain or anger. Shame also came through blatant rejection. In my head, I knew God loved me lavishly and passionately but the road from the head to the heart is often filled with pain as God heals those wounds that form our life. And, this is a journey in life as He heals and restores us day by day.

God spoke these words to me about one month ago.

“Debra, February will be a turning point for you.”

By the Spirit I can sense that what I am going through is leading me into ‘me’. The ‘me’ that He created, not the one formed in shame or guilt. Debra. It’s a journey and I am getting ready to go through a door into a new broad place.

The purity of the prophetic is moving in the testimony of Jesus. This is the spirit of prophecy. He wants a heart that is focused, willing, obedient and humble. The prophetic voice, flowing forth from me or you, should flow with intensity in the reality of His love as its source. Yet, His love, as I have said before, comes forth in many ways. It’s all in relationship.

To be continued……

In Christ, Debra

Please pray and consider having Rivers of Eden minister in your gathering, home group, conference or church in 2014. This is our year of release wherever and whenever God opens His doors bringing His grace and His glory through us to those to whom we are called in this season. Feel Free to contact us on Facebook, Twitter, or on our Contact Page on our website.

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